Left out and invisible

No child or adult should feel like this, but there I was and here I am. 

This feeling has been something I’ve been dealing with my whole life, and it stems from my childhood. I’m the youngest of three girls, the youngest cousin on my mum’s side, I got bullied in school, so all of that combined had me feeling all kinds of things, but more so left out and invisible. 

Let’s get straight to it, there is no sugar coating this topic. 

I wasn’t included in a lot of things and that was hard. And with my cousins, I wouldn't be able to do certain things or go to certain places because I wasn’t of age or because I just wasn’t invited, and that made me feel sad because I was quite literally left out, and I’d be at home alone in my room trying to entertain myself. I was a child and it was what it was. It is no one's fault because the age gap is the age gap and I can’t do anything about that, but it was the reality for me growing up. 

There was a lot of whispering and looks given to me and I would think that whenever I saw and heard people whispering that they were talking about me, and sometimes they were and other times they weren’t. 

I feel like it was emotional neglect I felt growing up. I think most of the time as well, it was accidental, no one was doing it purpose but it happened, and what was happening at home definitely contributed to these feelings. Along with feeling left out and invisible, I also felt like I wasn’t important. 

I felt like no one gave a shit about me and that feeling absolutely sucks. It’s the worst. Experiencing this at home and then getting bullied as well at school, I’d constantly wonder if people liked me and I’d ask myself that a lot.

“Why don’t they like me?”. I’d go inside of my head. It was like I had to try and work harder for people to notice me.

One time in primary school, we had to split the class into two teams and there were two captains, and each captain was taking turns to pick who would be on their team and I was the last person to be selected. Literally the last one, I was standing there by myself until my name was called, but not like I had a choice. I remember feeling a little embarrassed and upset that no one really chose me, someone was just stuck with me. That was that was one of my first experiences especially at school where I felt left out. I think I was about 10 or 11.

Looks and whisperings were happening at school. I couldn’t escape it. First home, then school. I didn’t like it but I didn’t know what to do.  I just got on with it which is just what I do, and would tell myself, I’m okay, I’m good. But this happens everywhere – at home, school, the workplace. I notice it a lot and no matter where I am, even if I don't hear anything, I can feel it and immediately just want to go. I need to remove myself or find a way to block it out cause it ain’t good. 

When I first meet someone, I want them to be okay and feel comfortable. I welcome people with open arms, and yet eventually I end up feeling left out. In life, no matter the situation, I’m the common denominator, so what do I have to do to change that and make it better for myself. I’m still trying to figure it out, as well as everything else in my life. 

It gets to a point that if I feel I’m not welcome or I’m being left out, I will spend time by myself, like I’d prefer to be alone.

And maybe it was just me. I needed to feel more secure within myself. I’ve got a lot more confidence now than when I was younger and truthfully I’ve always had it in me, but I would just care so much about what people would think, and now I don’t care, and that feeling of not caring and being so dependent on what other people have to say, I know is only going to get stronger as I get older. 

It’s a security thing. I want to feel secure. I am secure within myself but I’m still working on it, and I have my moments for sure and there are times when it bugs me, but I know that I’m good. If you don’t want to ask me, I’m fine. If I’m not invited to lunch, that’s okay. 

My whole thing is be a good person. I’m kind, I’m so supportive of people, I want everyone to win, and this is what I feel? It’s sad and it saddens me to know how long I had felt this. It’s not as bad as it was growing up, but every now and then, the feeling is there.

There’s a lot of noise and part of my way of dealing with that is putting in my air pods and listening to music or a podcast. I do it a lot at work,  it keeps me going and my mind thinking positive. That’s my way of trying to drown it out. Oh, and I like to sing. I don’t claim to be any good, but I like to and when I’m in my own world it just comes naturally. 

So where do I go from here? Well, I'm just going to keep doing what I’m doing, which is focusing on myself. I’m going to keep working on my confidence and surround myself with people who make me feel loved and appreciated, and of course, writing. I’m going to keep writing.