lately.

When someone asks me how I am or how I’m doing, I usually answer with “I’m good”, “I’m not too bad” or “I’m okay”, and lately I say the same, but truth is it’s been a struggle.

I said the word struggle and it’s not that serious but it’s real and it’s a big deal to me. The struggle is with work, and finding the motivation to do the work. It’s not that the work is hard or that I can’t do it, it’s that I don’t want to.  I just don’t care, I sit at my desk and daydream.

I have days where I am super productive and other days when I’m not. I scroll through TikTok for no reason, I look out the window as if I didn’t notice the sky was blue 3 seconds ago, I’m finding the tiniest piece of paper to throw in the bin just so I can walk away from my desk, and I stare at my emails, hoping that by me just staring at them the work will get done.  I also go to the bathroom when I don’t need to go. It’s ridiculous.

What is this? 

This feeling. It sucks.

I think part of it is me navigating my way through life, and figuring out who I am and what I want to do, but also me being extremely hard on myself. I know, I need to stop.

Some days I just cannot be f*cked and that is not on anybody else, and I know that. There is no putting the blame on anyone. This is me. And you know what, nothing is wrong. I live a good life, I have a roof over my head, I’ve got food to eat, I’ve got a job, but I feel lost, unfulfilled and as though sometimes I haven’t accomplished anything. 

I’m just not my happiest right now, and I’m not where I thought I would be, especially career wise.

I’ve been getting anxious, and I never used to, but things have happened at work when it comes to the culture and I’m not going to go into detail there, but I find myself taking deep breaths at random. I take deeps breaths when I’m on the train on the way to work, when I’m in the lift, literally all the time. It’s kind of like my body reminding me that I’m going to be okay, or another way to tell myself that ‘I’ve got this.’ Some days it feels like all I’m doing is surviving. Everything has just been affecting me, and I don’t like how the actions and behaviours of other people can so easily affect my mood. I have to push myself to get the work done, and I everyone has days where they can’t be bothered, but that has been me every day for the past year. My mental health has been crumbling like an apple crumble, but I’m okay. It just been a rollercoaster, for lack of a better word.

I’m thinking I’m 26 and I thought I would know exactly what I want as my career and I do know, I want something more creative and I want to be my own boss, but I’m just in a bit of a funk right now, and it’s not happening the way I thought it would. There’s always been this fire in my belly and it’s not there at the moment, and I feel like I’ve lost my spark.

It is a mental game, well it’s not a game, it’s just my thoughts. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I turn my lamp on and immediately speak positive words to motivate myself to get up and go to work. All I think about is money, and I never want that to be the only thing that motivates me, but right now it is, and that’s the truth.  I sit at my desk, Air Pods in, music playing, and I keep quiet. Being quiet at work is how I’m coping. I am doing whatever I can to keep my mental health in check. And when I need to go for a walk, I go for a walk.

I checked out a long time ago, but I have to do what I have to do. I’m just not thriving the way I want to be, in fact, I’m not thriving at all, and it’s sad and so frustrating. 

I’ve said it before, but I’m really big on gratitude and especially in moments like this where I am struggling, I try to sit back and be grateful. I am grateful that I’m alive, I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking about what you don’t have and how you’re not where you want to be in life by a certain age, but being grateful helps shift my perspective on life in general. 

I will get to where I need to be. If this feeling of not knowing and feeling frustrated is what I need to be going through right now in my journey, then I’ll gladly embrace it, while also doing what I can to get to a happier place. 

This sh*t is hard, but there’s nothing that I can’t get through.

Hear me when I say, I’ll get my fire back.